What
does it mean to be gay?
Men who call
themselves gay are sexually attracted to and fall
in love with other men. Their sexual feelings
toward men are normal and natural for them. These
feelings emerge when they are boys and the
feelings continue into adulthood. Although some
gay men may also be attracted to women, they
usually say that their feelings for men are
stronger and more important to them.
We know that about
one out of ten people in the world is gay or
lesbian (lesbians are women who are attracted to
other women). This means that in any large group
of people, there are usually several gay people
present. However, you cannot tell if someone is
gay or not unless he or she wants you to know. Gay
people blend right in with other people. But they
often feel different from other people.
Gay teenagers may
not be able to specify just why they feel
different. All of the guys they know seem to be
attracted to girls, so they don't know where they
fit in. And, they may not feel comfortable talking
with an adult about their feelings.
How do I
know if I'm gay?
"I don't
remember exactly when I first knew I was gay, but
I do remember that the thought of sex with men
always excited me"—Alan, age 19.
"I never
had any real attraction towards women, but I
really knew that I was gay when puberty began. I
felt an attraction toward the other boys and I was
curious to find out what they were like"—James,
age 17.
"One day I
was flipping through a magazine, there was a cute
guy, and bam! I knew"—Antonio, age 16.
You may not know
what to call your sexual feelings. You don't have
to rush and decide how to label yourself right
now. Our sexual identities develop over time. Most
adolescent boys are intensely sexual during the
years around puberty (usually between 11 and 15
years old), when their bodies start changing and
their hormones are flowing in new ways. Your
sexual feelings may be so strong that they are not
directed toward particular persons or situations,
but seem to emerge without cause. As you get older
you will figure out who you are really attracted
to.
Boys with truly gay
feelings find that, over time, their attractions
to boys and men get more and more clearly focused.
You may find yourself falling in love with your
classmates or maybe developing a crush on a
particular adult man. You may find these
experiences pleasurable, troubling, or a mix of
the two. By age 16 or 17 many gay kids start
thinking about what to call themselves, while
others prefer to wait.
If you think
you might be gay, ask yourself:
- When I
dream or fantasize sexually, is it about
boys or girls?
- Have I
ever had a crush or been in love with a boy
or a man?
- Do I feel
different than other guys?
- Are my
feelings for boys and men true and clear?
If you cannot
answer these questions now, don't worry. You will
be more sure in time. You and only you know how to
label yourself correctly.
Making
contact
So, you may be
ready to find out more. Start by reading. If you
feel comfortable, ask the librarian in the
"Young Adult" section of your public
library. Librarians are usually glad to help. If
your library does not have much on sexuality you
may want to check out the "GAY" section
of a large bookstore, or possibly order books and
other material through the mail. Please note that
not all books about gay people are supportive.
Try calling a gay
hotline. Most major cities have one. You may want
to call from a phone booth for privacy. They will
let you talk about your feelings and will direct
you to organizations that help gay people. There
may even be a gay youth group in your area.
In België
kan je bellen naar de Holebifoon, op het nummer
09/238.26.26. Wat homoverenigingen betreft, kan
je bijvoorbeeld beginnen op de home page van Driekant, een
holebivereniging voor alle leeftijden in Leuven,
waar ondergetekende in actief is. In Leuven is
er trouwens ook een jongerengroep &of
(lees 'enof'), die activiteiten organiseren voor
jongeren tot 26 jaar. Op hun pagina vind je
hyperlinks naar andere holebiverenigingen in
Vlaanderen.
Remember, gay
people are out there, wherever you are. Trust your
instincts. Sooner or later you will meet someone
who feels some of the same things you do.
"When I
first met another gay person, I felt excited,
anxious, nervous and happy. There was an
indescribable relief to know that I was not alone,
that there was someone else like me. It was also
intimidating, not knowing what to expect, but I
quickly loosened up and felt relaxed"—Nathan,
age 18.
"When I
first made contact with another gay man, I felt a
tremendous relief. I couldn't believe I had made a
connection. I felt happy but also scared. I felt
that I could do or say anything and not worry
about it"—Alan, age 19.
"When I
first met another gay person, it was incredible,
refreshing, reassuring, touching, awesome, and
wonderful"—James, age 17.
Will I
ever have sex?
Naturally, you
think about finding an outlet for your sexual
feelings.
Becoming a healthy
sexual person is part of the coming out process.
You may be scared at the prospect of having sex.
This is normal for everyone. No one should start
having sex until they are ready. Until then, you
may choose to masturbate or fantasize.
Sex should only
happen between mature individuals who care about
each other. You will know when the time is right.
We all choose to
have sex in different ways, whether we are gay or
straight. Gay men choose from a wide range of
sexual practices, including masturbation (either
alone or with another person), oral sex, anal
intercourse, kissing, hugging, massage, wrestling,
holding hands, cuddling or anything else that
appeals to both partners. You are in complete
control over what you do sexually and with whom.
What
about AIDS?
All sexually active
people need to be aware of AIDS as well as other
sexually transmitted diseases. Being gay does not
give you AIDS, but certain sexual practices and
certain drug use behaviors can put you at risk for
catching the virus that causes AIDS. AIDS is
incurable, but is preventable.
Here's how to
reduce your risk of getting AIDS:
- Do not shoot
up drugs. Sharing needles is the most
dangerous behavior in terms of getting AIDS.
- Avoid anal
intercourse or other direct anal contact.
Anal intercourse transmits the virus very
efficiently. If you do engage in anal sex,
use a condom every time.
- Use condoms
whenever you engage in anal or oral sex (or
vaginal sex if you have sex with women). You
should choose latex condoms that are fresh
and undamaged. Store them away from heat
(your wallet is not a good place to keep
them). Use a condom only once. Try to choose
condoms with "reservoir tips", and
be sure to squeeze out the air from the tip
as you put it on. Hold on to the condom as
you remove your penis; sometimes they slip
off after sex.
- Or choose
sexual activities that do not involve
intercourse: hugging, kissing, talking,
massaging, wrestling or masturbating (on
unbroken skin).
Learning
to like yourself
"I had to
reject a lot of negative heterosexual and
religious programming that made me feel lousy
about myself as a gay person. I began to like
myself by meeting other gay people and going to a
gay support group. After that I was content with
myself"—Bill, age 18.
"My aunt
is a lesbian, and she made it clear to me, before
I even knew I was gay, that being gay was OK"—Antonio,
age 16.
"I
accepted the facts, which means that I don't deny
being gay and I don't pretend to be someone I'm
not"—Alan, age 19.
It's not easy to
discover that you are gay. Our society makes it
very clear what it thinks of gay people. We all
hear the terrible jokes, the hurtful stereotypes
and the wrong ideas that circulate about gay
people. People tend to hate or fear what they
don't understand. Some people hate lesbians and
gay men. Many people are uncomfortable being
around lesbians and gay men.
It's no wonder that
you might choose to hide your gay feelings from
others. You might even be tempted to hide them
from yourself.
You may wonder if
you are normal. Perhaps you worry about people
finding out about you. Maybe you avoid other kids
who might be gay because of what people will
think. Working this hard to conceal your thoughts
and feelings is called being in the closet. It is
a painful and lonely place to be, even if you stay
there in order to survive.
It takes a lot of
energy to deny your feelings, and it can be
costly. You may have tried using alcohol or other
drugs to numb yourself against these thoughts. You
may have considered suicide. If so, please consult
the phone book for the Samaritans or other
hotline. There are alternatives to denying your
very valuable feelings. Check out the resources
listed on the back of this brochure.
Who
should I tell?
"I only
tell other people that I'm gay if I've known them
for a long time and if they are accepting and
tolerant. I think it's important that they know
about this special part of me"—Bill,
age 18.
"Since I'm
normal, I don't have to hide how I feel. But you
should make sure that you are comfortable with
your preference before you blurt it out to just
anyone"—Nathan, age 19.
"I tell
people that I'm gay if I know that they won't
reject me, will accept me for what I am, and won't
try to 'straighten' me out. I test them, I
suppose, then I judge if I want to risk telling
them"—James, age 17.
More and more gay
kids are learning to feel better about themselves.
As you start to listen to your deepest feelings
and learn more about what it means to be gay you
will begin to be comfortable with your sexuality.
This is the process called coming out.
The first step in
coming out is to tell yourself that you are gay
and say, "That's OK." Later you may want
to tell someone else—someone you trust to be
understanding and sympathetic. You might choose a
friend or an adult. You will probably want to meet
other gay kids for friendship or a more intimate
relationship. Some gay kids are able to come out
to their families. You need to decide whether or
not to tell your family, and to choose the right
time. Lots of people, including parents, simply
don't understand gay people and are difficult to
come out to. In the beginning, be cautious about
whom you tell.
But it is crucial
to be honest with yourself. Just as self-denial
costs you, coming out pays off. Most kids who
accept their sexuality say they feel calmer,
happier and more confident.
"No matter
what people say, you are normal. God created you,
and you were made in this [sic] image. If you are
non-religious, you were born and you have a
purpose, and being gay is only part of it"—Nathan,
age 19.
"Stand up
for what you believe in, and don't listen to what
hatemongers have to say. Stay proud and confident"—James,
age 17.
